“Unchosen: Healing the Wound That Kept Me Chasing Love”
The Moment Everything Changed on My Healing Journey
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned on my healing journey came a few years in—right when I thought I was doing great.
I had finally broken up with a toxic ex and noticed I was attracting better men—men who weren’t abusive or narcissistic like the ones in my past. I truly believed I was ready for a healthy, lasting relationship.
But…
Nothing was sticking. I would meet a guy, things would start off well—he’d be consistent, seemed emotionally available, and didn’t leave me feeling like I was on a roller coaster. I thought, This is it. I’ve finally cracked the code.
Then, around the one-month mark, everything would shift. Communication would start to fizzle. Suddenly, they “weren’t sure” what they wanted anymore. And there I was—once again—confused, disappointed, and heartbroken.
At first, I was crushed every time. I’d try to play it cool, “go with the flow,” secretly hoping I could change their mind. I’m even a little embarrassed to admit I’d post strategic Instagram stories to show them how “well” I was doing, praying they’d see what they were missing and come back.
Eventually, I hit a breaking point. My heart couldn’t handle another disappointment. I deleted the dating apps again, sat in silence, and asked my higher self:
Why am I still attracting this pattern?
When I got quiet, the message was loud:
You’re not attracting narcissists anymore, but you’re still attracting emotionally unavailable men.
And then something even deeper came through:
“You chase men who do not choose you.”
That question led me straight back to my childhood:
When did I first feel like I wasn’t chosen?
That was my aha moment.
My stepmother was an alcoholic who constantly took her rage out on me. I used to beg my dad to leave her or let me live with my mom—but he always refused.
I knew he didn’t truly love her, but he’d say, “I can’t afford another divorce.”
Financially, yes. But I think, deep down, he feared how a third divorce would look to the outside world.
And there it was:
My dad chose her over me.
And I had spent years chasing emotionally unavailable men, trying to recreate that dynamic, hoping they would finally choose me—so I could prove I was worthy. So I could rewrite that painful childhood belief that I wasn’t enough.
I knew I had to break this cycle or I’d keep attracting the same pain in a different package. So, as I always do when I’m stuck, I turned to my spirit guides for help.
A few weeks later, I had a reading with the brilliant psychic medium Rebecca Rosen in Denver. The first thing she said?
“Your spirit guides say you need to go visit your dad. He doesn’t have much time left. And this is blocking your love life—and your career.”
I resisted at first. I thought I had forgiven him. I thought I had already done the healing work. But my hesitation was proof there was more beneath the surface. So I bought the plane ticket and went.
The first day, I had no expectations. I didn’t even plan to bring anything up. I trusted my guides had it under control.
Then something unexpected happened. My stepmother and aunt went to the store, leaving just my dad and me sitting in front of the TV. Out of nowhere, he turned to me and said:
“You know… she’s really mean.”
I froze. I didn’t even know what to say. But somehow, calmly, I replied:
“Yeah… she was really mean to me my whole life.”
He looked at me and said,
“I should’ve left her a month after I married her. I knew there was a problem. But I was afraid of losing all my money again—and how a third divorce would look.”
I stayed silent, stunned.
He continued,
“Every time I tried to leave, she promised she’d change. She’d be better for a month, and then… back to the same.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. In that moment, I felt a wave of compassion for him.
I, too, had been in a relationship with an alcoholic who promised change—only to fall back into old patterns.
For the first time, I understood how hard it must’ve been for my dad to leave.
Seeing my tears, he asked,
“What’s wrong?”
I broke down and said,
“I felt like you always chose her over me… like you didn’t love me.”
He sat down beside me, put his arm around me, and softly said,
“I did. And I shouldn’t have.”
Right there, after carrying that pain for nearly 30 years—I truly forgave my dad.
And I couldn’t help but think:
Damn, spirit guides… you were right.
Now, I know not everyone gets a moment like that. Not every parent will apologize, especially not on their deathbed.
But if you carry a similar wound—if you’ve felt unchosen—you can still do the work.
Write a letter to your parent. Send it, or burn it.
Reflect on the lives they lived, their pain, and the choices they made.
This can help you find compassion—not to excuse their behavior, but to finally let go of the burden you’ve carried.
But my healing didn’t stop there.
When I got back home, I kept exploring the wound.
And I started doing something radical:
I chose me instead.
I prioritized my goals. I did things that brought me joy.
And when I dated men who started hot but slowly pulled away—I didn’t chase. I didn’t beg.
I walked away. Even when it hurt.
I’m not perfect. Sometimes I still catch myself trying to earn love.
But now I recognize it quickly—and I choose again.
I choose me.
Because when you start choosing you…
